This movie, in short, is the reason my life has turned out the way it has. A parable about art and conformity that manages to be simultaneously poignant, hilarious, romantic, why-god-why heartbreaking, AND steampunky before there was steampunk? Have mercy, Mr. Burton. Johnny Depp, a hyperevolved exemplar of humanity, was trying to shed his teen heartthrob image and only managed to make an entire generation of women feel certain that beneath the (literally, in this film) dangerous exterior of boys who wear black leather lurk gentle and loving souls who just "aren't finished." Oh, yes. I'm going to cry.